*Minus the cheese.

Fashion and food are strange bedfellows.  I don’t mean that in the most obvious sense – fashion and food are not a terrible Paul Hogan and Michael Caton movie – although the parallels are striking.  No dear friends, fashion and food are often grudgingly brought together despite overindulgence in one usually leading to an inability to enjoy the other.

For a fashion interloper such as myself, this often works to my advantage.  Being the only person at a fashion event allowing themselves to eat more than RDI in calorific content has clear benefits.

In other news, I installed iMovie.  Enjoy!

时尚和食品同床异梦。我不说，最明显的感觉 – 时尚和食品是不是一个可怕的保罗·霍根和迈克尔·卡顿的电影 – 虽然是惊人的相似之处。没有亲爱的朋友们，时尚和食物往往不情愿地聚集在一起，尽管放纵通常会导致无法享受其他。

对于一个像我这样的时尚闯入者，这往往给我的好处。作为唯一的人在一个时尚活动，让自己吃的多发热量的推荐膳食摄入量有明显的好处。

在其他新闻中，我安装了一个便宜的和可怕的视频编辑程序，由苹果。

Animal lovers and decent human beings everywhere are lamenting the recent rise of a new and insidious industry: the live fur industry.  Driven by greed and an unnatural predilection for soft, fluffy pelts, the live fur industry has taken the evils of the fashion industry to its logical conclusion – wearing natural leathers and furs without even bothering to remove the rest of the animal.  Exemplary of its complete moral turpitude, in 2012 alone, a staggering 97% of all statistics about this industry were completely fabricated.

An animal activist from the Society against Live Fur (“SaLF”) contacted our staff reporter with the following statement:

As a broad-based, independent and unbiased organisation dedicated solely to the utter destruction of the live fur industry, we can confidently claim that the growth of the live fur industry is the biggest and most important issue to face humanity since the inception of the live fur industry.  If this terrible trafficking of non-inanimate clothing is not stopped, an indeterminate number of small fluffy animals will be faced with a life of not being slaughtered before being worn.  This would be a tragedy of Twilightian proportions.

Of course, there are those who stand to profit from the increasing popularity of live fur.  I could mention some big names like Chanel, Louis Vuitton and Jeremy Lin, but none of them would be related to this story.  A spokesperson for the live fur industry could not be reached for comment at the time of publication due to possible non-existence and elevated levels of meh.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.

That’s disgusting, stop thinking that.

Instead, you should be thinking: “What can I do, as just one person, to stop/promote this heinous/fabulous turn of events?”  In this era of arm-chair activism, HowToWearClothes.com is here to help.  In order to garner the maximum support for this important cause, HowToWearClothes is instituting the world’s first bipartisan petition.  That means that whether you support or oppose the live fur industry you can sign the same petition and thereby appear to have more support for your particular cause than you otherwise would have.

Make sure you don’t miss out on this important and arbitrarily time sensitive opportunity to make your voice heard.  If you fail to act now, you will be directly responsible for the increase/decrease of fashion statements like the ones below.  Even the best fashion blogger in the world was not above/below stooping/ascending to the level of sporting some live fur within the comfort of her own home.

Don’t let your frenzied emotions distract you from signing the petition and spamming sharing this with all of your friends and enemies.  Cleverly disguised as a simple blog comment box below, this petition will be sent directly to the internets once it receives 1000 virtual signatures.  The internets will know what to do.

THE HTWC.com COLD HARD CASH GIVEAWAY DETAILS below,  following a blog in haiku.

 Concealed! Who is she?
Mysterious style ninja
Eyes ablaze like ice

Fleeting steps and pose
Wool when it’s thirty degrees
Suffering for art

Juxtaposing hat
O M G, I love your style
Commenters delight

I will blog this one
No you won’t that’s just silly
Is that a challenge?

In honour of my blog’s wife, Cecylia.com, being totally cool with me posting the above photo, for howtowearclothes.com’s first ever giveaway, we are g iving away COLD HARD CASH!  In preparation for this, I will put one (1) Australian dollar in the fridge and will physically mail it to the winner.  That’s the equivalent of over 30 Russian Roubles!

To go in the draw to win:

1. Like, tweet, follow, share or add this blog on your time wasting platform of choice.
2. Stand up and say out loud “I love howtowearclothes.com so much I want to marry it”.
3. Leave a comment below confessing to the above.

BONUS INSTANT WIN - Everyone who posts a Youtube clip of themselves carrying out step 2 above instantly wins!!!

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Google Friend Connect is dead.  Long live Google Plus.  As someone who has cultivated his GFC following into the double digits (ie, 10 including myself and my dog), (UPDATE: In the 20 minutes since I posted this, 20% of my Google Friend Connect Followers unfollowed me.  Thanks for ruining a perfectly good sentence guys.) I’m as gutted as the next mega-blogger that GFC is rumoured to be slated for the chopping block and I’m now going to have to start from scratch again with Google Plus circles (see top right or visit our new page at gplus.to/htwc).  To get you in the mood to switch early and start reaping the rewards of being on a social network that nobody uses, here is the howtowearclothes.com TOP 5 reasons why Google Plus is like the perfect woman (pictured above).  I should warn you that, at the time of writing this introduction, I have no idea what any of those reasons are.  Hopefully I will have thought of something by the time you click the MORE link below…

1. Google Plus does not give you spam

There is no bigger turn-off than someone giving you tinned mystery meat every day, especially when they put it in your mailbox, but the perfect woman doesn’t have an endless supply of people you don’t know giving you spam and asking you to buy them a goat on Farmville.  Instead of a spam bucket, the perfect woman accessorises with the green waste bin, a sure sign she is eco-friendly and not afraid to get her hands dirty.

2. Google Plus allows animations

There’s nothing worse than meeting someone who you think is the perfect woman and finding out later that they’re actually an inanimate object.  For one thing, it means you’re always designated driver.  The perfect woman is always on the move, or at least moving.  Fortunately, Google Plus also allows you to post your gifs in all their jerky animated glory.

3. Google Plus has badges that allow you to publicly declare your love for it

Once you’ve made your Google Plus page , you can head over to this ridiculously obscure site and create a handy badge: https://developers.google.com/+/plugins/badge/config.  The badge is completely uncustomisable and comes in two sizes that won’t fit anywhere you want them to.  Similarly, the perfect woman will have merchandise that you can acquire in bulk so you can display your affection on your <head> and <body>.

4. Google Plus doesn’t mind if you have nothing interesting to say

You know that awkward moment when you’ve sent someone a friend request on some other social networking site and they don’t respond?  The best part about Google Plus is that it’s set up for stalkers and lurkers so you can add people to your circles (like you’re about to add this page to all of your circles) but they don’t have to add you back.  If they really don’t want to have anything to do with you, they can even just +1 you.  As you may know, by some inhuman feat, the perfect woman is able to post at least 3 blog posts every week, which I of course follow as though my marriage depended on it.  But she doesn’t mind that I can contribute next to nothing to conversations about clothing, the bodily excretions of her latest patients or other usual girly topics.

5. Google Plus needs to use the computer now

Actually it doesn’t, but my perfect woman does.

My Tree of Ties, ripe for harvest.

As a black-letter lawyer, I am often confused and infuriated with the lack of literalness in the world.  Being introduced to Texan powerblog Sea Of Shoes, in my naïveté I trawled through posts for a multitude of seconds in the hope that Jane had invested in a method of storing her footwear that at least made some token attempt to emulate a body of water.  In truth, I would have been most satisfied with a Scrooge McDuck style physics-defying shoe vault into which the appropriately well-heeled could dive with a subtle splash of stilettos.  Thankfully, there are fashion bloggers out there who take more seriously the descriptors they put in their URL.   For instance, Cecylia.com -the greatest fashion blogger in the world - is absolutely jam packed full of Cecylia.  Similarly, Lady Melbourne‘s blog contains equal parts of lady and Melbourne in every mouthful and even The Blonde Salad manages against all odds to deliver on its titular promise  - if only in a single graphic.  Undoubtedly, Sea Of Ghosts is also appropriately haunted with some degree of both spectral and aquatic inhabitants, but they’re probably just invisible.

The irony is not lost on me that, having complained about the misleading and deceptive conduct of many online purveyors of fashion commentary, there is vitually nothing on this blog about clothes or  how to wear them.  Well all that is about to change:

Ties.  You wear them around your neck when you’re forced to.  They grow on trees (see above).

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Can you believe it’s been four years?  Thank you for walking with me and supporting me every day. I know I might wear you out sometimes, but even before I tied the knot with you that day I knew we would be together forever.  You are my solemate.  Happy 4th anniversary to my favourite pair of black shoes.

Jones approaches the body, recoiling subtly as he catches a whiff of charred wheatgerm. A crowd has already begun accumulating nearby. He has seen this M.O. before – burnt to a crisp front and back – but what was a wholegrain doing in these parts at this time of night? And what could drive someone to deliberately burn bread? One thing is for sure: Jones is on the trail of a real bad egg. “Canvas the area,” he barks at his lieutenant, “I want to know if any of these crackers saw anything … and tell the Captain we have a cereal killer on our hands.”

Parched from shooting handbags at high noon, we made our way upstairs to the stairs that lead to Madame Brussels.   Riding our trusty steed Theodore we casually trotted into the establishment and eyeballed the patrons, their oriental parasols twirling in the unseasonably unobstructed sunlight.  Theodore was no stranger to prejudice – he had been run out of town before because the law considered his kind too dirty for eating establishments.  Or maybe it was his genuine fur coat or his lack of valid ID.   As he approached Miss Pearls, the madame of Madame, he braced himself for rejection.  ”This time,” he said to himself “it will be different”.  And it was.

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A shot from the last Cecylia Milan buying trip.  The majesty.  The serenity.  But now I’ve played Assassins Creed 2, all I can think about is how difficult it would be to scale the walls to the roof if I had to.

When I was a little puppy I had an imaginary friend.  I never grew up, and it turns out he wasn’t imaginary.  His name is Hermes, he comes from someone else’s house.  He’s got a bed in the laundry that’s smellier on the inside and can appear upstairs in the bedroom or even outside.  I run away with him whenever the front door opens and we’ve been running ever since.

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